“What is that Tone?”

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“What is that Tone?”

Posted by Susan V. Brewer in Balance, Coaching, Codependency, Coping Skills, Counseling, Feelings, Relationships, Self-Care 20 Jul 2017

What I mean by this is sometimes our feelings can feel so mixed-up in that we are experiencing several feelings at one time. When this happens, it can make us feel overwhelmed and confused about what it is we are supposed to be doing. Which then can cause us to feel angry and frustrated. Which then can create us reacting to others in not such a nice way or just being “short” in our voice towards others. Hence the topic what is that tone? A fair amount of people aren’t even aware of when they have a tone in their voice.
There are times when I feel out of sorts and don’t realize that I am not responding to others in my usual manner. I know that I can be hard on myself which is a blessing and a curse for me. Being hard on myself pushes me out of my comfort zone and allows me to take risks in all areas of my life. The flip side is that it becomes “not enough” which is what I talked about last month. So, I must also work hard at allowing myself to be human and that feelings are just feelings sometimes. I usually understand what is going on in my life that would be stirring up these mixed-up emotions. I just wish sometimes that I didn’t have to feel these uncomfortable feelings and that I could control them.
However, this is unrealistic when you are dealing with life and your feelings. Life is going to keep on happening whether we like it or not, so we have to go with the punches, right??? Yes right. Life doesn’t have to be any harder than it needs to be which is why dealing with our feelings is the best thing to do. As uncomfortable as they may be at times, what I have learned is to just feel them for as long as you need to and then let them go. It is also so important to talk to someone you feel close to about your feelings. The more you talk about them the sooner the discomfort will go away.
Let me clarify talking about your feelings is not the same as complaining about your life. The latter often relates to you feeling sorry for yourself and being victimized by the things happening in your life. What I am talking about is feeling upset that your mother is getting older, that time just keeps moving at a faster pace then you want, that you feel lost in your life, that you miss your children because they are going away to college, etc. It is my belief that when we are feeling this level of mixed-up it is usually on a deeper level and it is about our need to grieve or quite simply it is because we have a lot of life stressors that are influencing our ability to manage and express our feelings appropriately.
Grieving is never easy. What a lot of people don’t realize is that you can grieve almost anything in your life. For instance, you can grieve the present in that it is not what you thought it was going to be and that this upset you or that you thought you were going to have a future with someone in your life and now you are grieving what could have been. Which is why it can be so hard to let go of things in your life. When you can identify where these uncomfortable feelings are coming from then you can grieve whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life or that you are just sad about.
When your emotions are all over the place you just feel unsettled and not yourself you may tend to act out these feelings in a negative way. This would be considered a “red flag”. If someone says something to you like “Are you okay? You seem kind of short with me? Or you have a tone in your voice?” You may want to take a look at it. It may be a clue that something else more internally is going on with your emotions that you are not aware of.
The most important thing to do is to ask yourself is something going on in my life that could cause me to be upset and being short with others? If you are unsure ask someone close to you that question. Good people in your life will be honest with you. Then it is up to you to decide about examining your feelings and behaviors and dealing with them so that others do not get the pinch of your pain and suffering because you don’t want to deal with it or are unaware that you do in fact have feelings and may be dissatisfied with what is happening in your life. So, be aware of your tone, it may be a signal that you are not okay!!

Susan V. Brewer

Susan V. Brewer is a Certified Life Coach and Psychotherapist in the Upper Bucks County Area.  She graduated in 1987 from Kutztown University with a BS in Criminal Justice and Sociology. She became a Certified Life & Career Coach in June of 2006 and a Certified Relationship Coach in December of 2016. She specializes in adoption, codependency, relationship issues, substance abuse, self-esteem and life transitions. Her belief is “that all persons are truly greater than they think they are.”

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